Sunday, February 27, 2005
did you ever realise that... everything starts with sometimes? sometimes we feel this, and other times we feel that. but there's always something. and its not something that occurs once, or twice, but occasionally, and enough so that you forget it ever existed, or that it really mattered, or that it affects you. but it still does, and regardless of what you do to move on, cover it up, or ignore it, it just keeps coming back. again. and again. and you just find yourself hopeless to do anything about it, just because you never ever properly dealt with it. and then you find yourself wondering 'can i ever deal with it?' even if perchance one day you find a solution, if that special day comes when you realise that 'hey, thats my answer' you'll always doubt, because in this life there are many answers. and you'll never really know which one is the right one for you until its too late. and even then.. there'll still be doubt.
sounds really defeatist huh. and i'll admit. there are many times i've felt that way, infact i'm probably feeling that way right now, except that my thoughts and my emotions tend to swing in different directions all the time, such that what i feel and what i know i should feel can clash, and so i know what i should feel over what i do feel, how i should think over how i do think. i dunno if that makes much sense, but its kinda like punching the wall with your hand in anger when you know it'll break your hand, or stopping one step short of saying what you really feel because your mind is in overdrive with indecision. what you wish for and what really happens is left to fate. but just how much control do we have?
i just hate expectations. expectations will always be higher than we can achieve. the higher you raise the bar you harder you fall. the harder you fall, the harder it is to rise up again. and soon you wont see the bar anymore, and yet it keeps rising. because thats what expectations mean. just like holidays. you expect so much, and you just end up disappointed, discouraged, broken.
im dreaming my life as it should be, and living it as it is.
but can't you see, the grass is greener where it rains.
or so it seems, at 1:01 AM
Sunday, February 13, 2005
sigh feel kinda sian now. having the long break might not have been such a good idea... heh makes me feel more homesick now that im going back in again, kinda like starting all over again. except that i wasnt even this homesick the first time i booked in, nor during confinement! bleh.
gonna be another long week... only booking out on sat night. sigh. oh well guess that just means less days of disappointment... booking out has somehow been super disappointing. its definitely had its highlights, and the rest is great, and had fun seeing all of you again, but still its abit like, sian feeling. maybe my expectations are too high... or maybe its myself. bleh falling asleep at howards house was just bleh. and bleh probably should have gone to michy's friends house today... sigh. was good to worship in church again though.
sometimes i think im clinging to dead friendships, trying to keep things afloat while others move on. and its seriously draining, especially when i feel like i'm the only one putting in the effort. but i guess tts just a drawback of being sensitive haha =p i know in the end... things will work out, and its that dream that helps me push on.
there are times when i just feel like... its not enough. knowing that God is with me isnt sufficient, that despite everything i know and believe, theres still something that pulls me down, that is dragging me down in the mire. even knowing that such a 'depression' is only temporary doesnt make it any less draining, and its in times like these that i just feel so helpless and lost. but i must remember that i am not alone. i am never alone. its not just that God is with me... but also that you are all with me. each and everyone of my friends.. even if i dont realise it, its something i must keep in mind. to keep me afloat... to keep me sane.
and thats a dream worth living for.
its my dream.
or so it seems, at 6:50 PM
Saturday, February 12, 2005
hmm. everyone needs to just vent once in awhile, to let it all out. kinda like a blogging routine heh.
through the darkness, there's always light. its one thing to be lost in the darkness, and another to just be tired, spent and drained. with life flying us by, its no wonder that we need some time to release everything, and be free of our burdens before carrying on again. and... yah. im just tired now.
or so it seems, at 10:52 PM
Thursday, February 10, 2005
when you blog, you think. when you think, you think some more. and then you blog again. and it just spirals from there.
i just dont know what to think anymore. and yet i still do.
everything hapens so fast, it all pasts by in a blur. one day you might be overjoyed to be finally booking out, glad to be back where you belong, and yet the next you feel lost and alone, unsure of where everything stands and just where u lie. to crawl under the bedsheet and to be lost in oblivion, if only it were all so simple.
its blind faith. and thats what i have. and thats what makes me doubt so. is it something miraculous? to be able to believe without seeing, to know without experiencing? faith is crafted when u just know, it doesnt matter what it might be, or how unbelievable or difficult to comprehend, you just know, and you just believe. but its not easy to keep the faith, regardless how strong it might seem at any point in time.
standing alone against the currents. braving the tides, and yet looking left and right and seeing nothing but open spaces and empty beaches.
and i waver again.
tired beyond my years, lonely beyond my time.
or so it seems, at 10:10 PM
i feel so rejuvenated. inspiration always comes to me in my weakest moments, and thats when i know that i'm truly loved.
watching constantine was quite amazing, well firstly because its a darn good show, but also because it made me think and wonder more about, well basically everything that i've been thinking about my whole 19 years of existence. and interestingly enough its during this past month that i've been learning so much more about life, and in more ways than i ever could imagine. i guess im pretty blessed that army has been such an enriching experience for me, but i do truly believe that its the approach and attitude that ultimately decides what kind of experience it will turn out to be.
did you feel the mountains tremble?
did you hear the oceans roar?
when the people rose to sing of
Jesus Christ the risen one
i've always held firm that its my faith that has been carrying through, the hope that God has instilled in me, the knowledge that He loves me. and yet despite this i've always felt that something was still lacking, despite the knowledge that well, nothing sould be lacking, and that God's love should be enough for me. its kinda like one of the notions i've always had in my head. knowledge vs. belief, something raised in the movie. its kinda interesting, that like, knowing and believing can be so different. with knowledge comes belief, and yet belief can stand alone. that by itself is already amazing, just like when u realise that it doesnt matter what other people think, or whether its can be proven by fact or not, you just believe. but theres still another aspect.. something i've struggled with. is it the same to believe, and to want to believe? i've always felt that my belief is lacking, even though i do truly want to believe. but whats the difference? if you really want to believe in something, doesnt that mean you already believe in it? and yet... knowledge doesnt guarantee belief. despite what you might see or hear, its still possible to renounce that which is true. which is pretty much what is happening in this world. but thats what we were placed here for.
did you feel the people tremble?
did you hear the singers roar
when the lost began to sing of
Jesus Christ the saving one?
its not just about non-believers. its about everyone single one of us. it kinda struck me that.. hey, everyone is essentially the same. we breathe the same air, we walk the same streets.. we live our lives and dream our dreams. despite all our so called differences, we're all linked by the special bond called 'humanity', and nothing can ever change that. there has to be a reason we were made this way, each one crafted in His image. and even though we might not be able to pinpoint just exactly what that reason is, i think each and everyone of us, in some ways, recognises what that reason is. i mean, we might not be able to say it, or see it, and yet we still know. its kinda like when there's a loud bang in the street, and everyone turns to look at the source. its just instinctive. and it doesnt really matter why we do it, we just do. and that should be enough for anyone of us. hmm i dont really know what i'm trying to say.. its kinda like, you dont need to know what the reason is, as long as you know that it exists. thats what it means to have a purpose.
and we can see that God Your'e moving
a mighty river through the nations
and young and old will turn to Jesus
fling wide you heavenly gates
prepare the way of the risen lord
for me, its just knowing that God made me and placed me here. thats enough reason for me to live. it doesnt matter how hard life gets, or how many trials and tribulations i might face. no matter how many times i might doubt myself or doubt Him, He always finds some way to remind me of His love. it happens in many ways, through song, through friends, through family, or even just simple things like seeing the stars in the sky, or maybe even by happenstance, glancing at the cover of a book, or overhearing a conversation, or just the snap of a finger. and it never fails to raise me up again. no matter how small, its still my own personal miracles.
open up the doors and let the music play
let the streets resound with singing
songs that bring your hope
songs that bring your joy
dancers who dance upon injustice
well back to the thing that i felt was always lacking, and yet couldnt pinpoint. but i've realised what it is. and its fellowship. thats the reason that we were all made the same, the reason we were placed here on this earth together. because we were meant to worship in one voice, one union. nothings wrong with personal worship and thanksgiving, and it in itself is fufilling. but theres still something so important that i've been leaving out of my life, and thats fellowship. its just so different to worship alone and to worship together. im not saying that worshipping alone isnt great, it rocks. but worshipping together should be even greater, and well, at least to me, i realise more and more just how wonderful it is. my favourite kind of music is live music, one reason i love my Hillsongs 'United Live' albums so much. because just hearing the church sing together in one voice, hearing the voices of the youth singing together, it really touches me. for lack of better words, its just amazing.
do you feel darkness tremble?
when all the saints join in one song
and all the streams flow as one river
to wash away our brokenness
and here we see that God Your'e moving
a time of Jubilee is coming
when young and old return to Jesus
Fling wide you heavenly gates, prepare the way of the risen lord.
the faith of a man lies not in himself, but in that of others.
and i believe.
or so it seems, at 1:40 AM
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
the cold night winds on tekong cannot match the incredible chill that i just felt a short while ago at the bus stop. how ironic that such a chill happens in the very last place i expected to feel it, in the one place i expect warmth and comfort. even in the stability of my own home does nothing feel secure, and it just makes me ponder the very meaning of it all.
i just dont know what it all means anymore. you live your life expecting things to go your way, and even if they dont you just adapt and make do, moving on and covering up the loose holes, bridging the gaps and conquering the obstacles. but along the way there are just some barriers that you just push infront of you. they might seem small at first, almost miniscule, but they just gather in size and weight as you move forward, and this burden just increases as time goes on. nothing is permanent, and maybe some barriers are shed along the way, destroyed by faith and the strength that i have. and yet endlessly barriers are built up, and you have to stop and rest and reflect once in awhile. to gather yourself and perhaps make another recovered and sudden burst to continue on your path. but it just keeps getting heavier. and your'e slowing down.
and it just makes me wonder. am i clinging to something that never really existed.. nothing but pointless dreams and faded dust, consoling myself with 'faith' and 'hope'. have i been reaching for things beyond my reach, grasping at dreams that were never meant to be, and never will be.
thats what the chill tells me, sending shivers down my spine, challenging the very core of my faith. this goes beyond just simple faith and prayer, it strikes at the very being of who i am, bringing me to my knees as i fall in a downward spiral into the depths of loneliness. without a doubt i'll find away to claw myself back up again, and perhaps gain a few rungs over my previous position. but that only means that i'll fall further the next time.
where do we belong? where do i belong? there are many questions that require no answers, questions through which faith is enough. but how much faith can one man have? and just how strong is that faith. is faith just an ideal thats made up for man to console himself, a concept enabling us to overcome our fears and pushing us to our limits, and extending those limits. i guess faith is personal, each individuals faith dictates their own actions.
my faith wavers.
and then i hear His words once more.
looks like tonight, the sky is heavy
feels like the winds, are gonna change
beneath my feet, the earth is ready
i know its time, for heaven's rain
its gonna rain. yeahhhh.
cos its living water we desire
to flood our hearts with holy fire
rain down, all around the world we're singing
rain down, can you hear the earth is singing
rain down, my heart is dry but still im singing
rain down, rain it down on me
back to the start, my heart is heavy
feels like its time, to dream again
i see the clouds, and yes i'm ready
to dance upon, this barren land
hope in my hands. yeahhh
cos its living water we desire
to flood our hearts with holy fire
rain down, all around the world we're singing
rain down, can you hear the earth is singing
rain down, my heart is dry but still im singing
rain down, rain it down on me
do not shut, do not shut, do not shut the heavens
but open up, open up, open up our hearts
give me strength to cross the water
keep my heart upon Your altar
give me strength to cross this water
keep my feet dont let me falter.
oh Lord dont let me falter.
or so it seems, at 1:48 AM
Saturday, February 05, 2005
Impromptu Blog. (as it is, day 2 of field camp, permatang.)
being in the army hasnt been as bad as people have said it would be, and in fact its actually quite fun. the weather on tekong is kinda like a dr jekyll/mr hyde kinda thing, really hot/sunny in the afternoon (good for tanning) but super cold at night and in the early morning.
heh writing this as we lie prone in the lallang waiting for it to get dark... stand to? and snaeking food from my buddy to eat hehe. field camp has been tough physically, even though its only been 2 days. sleep isnt very easy, and the route march did my back no good :p but pain aside, i have to say that its already been a great experience, plus my section commander is back and this has definitely helped my section bond. he's really nice, and kinda slack heh lets me keep my camera too, so shiok! will have lots of pictures to share when i get back. somehow the route march has been the hardest activity, or at least for me. the pain in my back is just killing me, but i know that God has seen me through this so far and will continue to do so.
hi mr.spider! crawling up my arm... hope there aren't centipedes around, have already seen wild boars and other assortments of insects.
some idiot fell on my bashar, and now the stick supporting one end got snapped into two, splintering. thank God is still can hold upthe tent! bleh the sweat all dripping onto my notebook is disgusting, its all gotten smudged. sigh i do miss home though, especially all of you, and those who are keeping me in your prayers. i dont know how yo all feel, and how your lives are carrying on, but just as one army song goes, 'i miss you so'.
sigh gonna be at least one more hour before it gets dark, luckily i have food. just hope i dont need to pee halfway heh. field discipline is no joke. the cleanliness aspect sucks too, but i guess i got used to it fast... must garang abit mah, even if silently so. heh tts my company motto, 'silent and swift'. kinda tired, and its all smudging and getting illegible, not easy to write while proned and on my rifle. oh well, cant wait to get back. having fun though, and being a pilot is still high on my mind.
living among the stars, thats where we are.
Impromptu Blog 2. (as it is, day 7 of field camp, reclaimed land)
Last day of field camp! just lying on the grass slacking and waiting for our turn to do combat movements... mor ethan 2 hours liao sian sia. heh =) spent the last night sleeping in a shellscrape (one man trench) and it wasnt tt bad. did kill 2 centipedes when digging it though. anyway its been a super experience, may memories already, like my section mate Max going mad and hugging huge bunches of plants, ripping them from the ground for our section's firetrench. hehe. have really enjoyed ourselves with our sec comm around.
stil lcant wait to book out, but time really flies by. will be back in company line after our BIC, wil lbe damn shiok to have a good bath and at last clean clothes too =) but we've already been pampered i feel, welfare indeed.
hmm celebrated my bday in the field, wasnt too bad, got to shoot balnks and got a bath too haha. normal bath, not powder bath heh.
hrm. only thing on my mind is home. and you =)
END OF FIELD CAMP ENTRIES
haha its damn shiok to be back at last. gonna get a new comp tmrw too to replac ethis sagging old lousy spoilt piece of rojak crap. haha. hope i have time to like set it up and transfer my photos over tmrw though... gotta book in again after tt. but CNY break is here! ahh life i sgood. quite sad though, have my heart set on being a pilot and just received news 'we regret to inform you that your application is unsuccessful' kinda mixed msg because they had asked me to go for the test before i enlisted... gonna call and find out whats going on :s
spent the whole day at home though... kinda sad was hoping to go out, kena pangseh'd though... oh well. will have plenty of time to catch up over the next week =)
just glad to be back. love you all! :)
or so it seems, at 9:41 PM
